World's Seven Most Powerful Nations Hold Meeting Exactly Like The One You Had On Tuesday
PARIS. The leaders of the G7 held an emergency video conference Friday to address the global energy crisis.
The call opened with four minutes of France saying "we'll just give people another minute to join," during which Canada asked how everyone's weekend had been and received no answer from anybody. Germany, which had dialled in thirteen minutes early and sat alone in the waiting room looking at its own face, mentioned that it had a hard stop at ten.
France then asked whether someone would mind taking the minutes, producing the longest silence of the summit. The job went, as it has every year since 1976, to Canada.
The United States attended with its camera off. Nobody brought it up, in the way nobody brings up that Keith from Sales has attended every meeting since March as a pair of initials. It remains unclear whether the camera was off for the whole call or only part of it, a question colleagues agreed was not worth a conversation with HR.
"Could be driving, could be the wifi," said Italy afterwards, speaking by the kettle. "I'm not getting involved."
Britain began three separate sentences with "sorry, you go," colliding each time with the European Commission saying "no, please, after you," until France gave the floor to Japan, which had been sitting with its hand raised since 9:06. Japan thanked the chair and spoke for two minutes on mute.
France then shared its screen and asked whether everyone could see the PowerPoint. What everyone could see was France's desktop, consisting of sixty-one unsorted icons arranged over a holiday photo from the Riviera involving a sun lounger and a very small pair of swimming trunks. France asked again whether the slide was coming through all right, and six heads of government said yes, absolutely, because nobody wanted to be the one.
France presented from the invisible slide for nine minutes. It was during this period that a message notification from Britain slid into the corner of the shared screen reading "how long is this going to go on," and remained there, by common agreement, for a geological era.
The proposal itself, a release of 100 million barrels of oil over four months through the International Energy Agency.
France asked whether there were any objections. There were none, largely because everyone was answering other emails.
Members also pledged not to restrict energy exports to one another, an item recorded directly beneath a reminder that the dishwasher does not load itself.
The United States, having said nothing, was assigned three action items.
Under any other business, Britain raised parking. Germany left at ten precisely, in the middle of someone else's sentence. Japan's hand was still up.
At press time, the United States had clicked the wrong button on a calendar reminder and rejoined the meeting four minutes after it ended, this time with its camera on and pointed at a ceiling, where it waited alone for some time before asking whether it was early.