Mwanwhile in Lithuania

How I lost my job.

WHO ruined Europe? Yes, EVERYONE did it: 1. Angela Merkel, the physicist who forgot Newton’s Third Law: every action has an equal and opposite reaction. She looked at the European energy grid, decided nuclear power was "scary," and replaced it with a direct pipeline to the Kremlin. She basically invited the fox into the henhouse, handed him a napkin, and then retired to write a memoir about "stability." She effectively dismantled the continent’s borders with a single press conference, inviting a migration crisis that broke the social contract, all while muttering "Wir schaffen das" as the infrastructure crumbled under the weight of her moral vanity. 2. Emmanuel Macron, a man who thinks he is the reincarnation of a Roman deity but runs the country like a McKinsey consultant trying to downsize a bakery. He believes he can solve the war in Ukraine by talking Vladimir Putin into a coma with four-hour lectures on Enlightenment philosophy. He is currently auditing the concept of "French culture" to see if it can be streamlined. 3. Adolf Hitler, the failed watercolor enthusiast who took an art school rejection so personally he decided to redecorate the continent with high explosives. He single-handedly ruined the toothbrush mustache, the name "Adolf," and the concept of "German efficiency" for the next thousand years. He set the bar for "bad neighbors" so high that everyone else gets a participation trophy just for not invading Poland. 4. The Habsburgs, the ultimate proof that you should really branch out on Tinder. They treated the gene pool like a private VIP section and turned their family tree into a wreath. Their grand strategy for ruling Europe was "Let’s marry our cousins until our chins are so large they have their own zip codes." They spent 600 years acquiring half the planet through weddings, only to lose it all because their driver took a wrong turn in Sarajevo. They held an empire together with duct tape and aggressive waltzing until it collapsed under the weight of its own genetic defects. 5. Napoleon, who tried to turn Europe into a family franchise (Bonaparte Bros. & Co.) and accidentally invented "Nationalism" because people needed a specific word to describe exactly how much they wanted him to leave. 6. The English, who spent 500 years playing "Balance of Power" (read: sabotaging everyone else), then got drunk, and view the continent not as a cultural partner, but as a place to send stag parties to vomit in historic fountains, proving that while they lost the Empire, they kept the audacity. 7. The Germans, who believe that if you execute a terrible idea with sufficient efficiency, it becomes a stroke of genius. They don't have "individual opinions," they have "factory settings." They marched in perfect lockstep to shut down their nuclear plants in favor of burning brown coal, calling it a "Green Transition"—which is the intellectual equivalent of cutting off your own legs to lose weight, then praising the precision of the saw. They are convinced that running full speed into a brick wall is fine, provided the wall is DIN-certified and everyone does it together. 8. The Russians, who think "international borders" are just typos on a map that need correcting with tanks. They provide Europe with its two favorite historical exports: existential dread and freezing to death. They operate on a political philosophy of "If I can't have it, nobody can," which is why they are currently turning the East into a parking lot. 9. The EU, a retirement home for failed national politicians. It is a Kafkaesque labyrinth where 10,000 people in Brussels spend six months debating the legal definition of a carrot while the building is on fire. It is funded by your VAT, presided over by unelected bureaucrats with excellent dental plans, and produces more paper than a forestry company. 10. The WEF, the unelected board of directors for Planet Earth. They ruined Europe by promoting policies that hollowed out the middle class in the name of "stakeholder capitalism." They fly in on private jets to tell factory workers to lower their standard of living, effectively turning the continent into a feudal system where the serfs own nothing, eat bugs, and are told to be happy about it. 11. George Soros, the currency speculator masquerading as a secular saint. He ruined Europe by treating entire national economies as casino chips, famously breaking the Bank of England for profit and then using the winnings to fund the erosion of the nation-states. He operates the "Open Society" less like a philanthropy and more like a universal solvent, pouring billions into NGOs designed to dissolve borders, traditions, and social cohesion. He is the unelected architect of a post-national Europe, a man with a god complex who believes he can engineer civilization from a hedge fund desk, viewing distinct cultures as "obstacles" to be liquidated like a distressed asset. 12. Immigrationists, who looked at the fall of Rome and thought, "You know what the problem was? Not enough diversity." They believe borders are just social constructs, like manners or solvency, that stand in the way of a vibrant, chaotic utopia where everyone holds hands while the welfare state collapses under the weight of good intentions. 13. Ecologists, upper-middle-class art critics who think the best way to lower global temperatures is to throw pumpkin soup at a Van Gogh. They are fighting Big Oil by creating massive traffic jams on the M25, forcing thousands of cars to idle for four hours. 14. The Socialists, who think "economics" is just a vibe. They believe that if you tax the rich enough, money will magically appear from the ether to pay for free unicorn rides. They ran out of other people's money in 1989 but haven't checked their bank balance since, preferring to pay debts with IOUs and "solidarity." 15. The European Establishments, shadowy clubs of people who all went to the same three boarding schools where they majored in "Condescension" and "Failing Upwards." They decided that "competence" was an outdated concept that interfered with their lunch schedule and are professionally surprised by outcomes that everyone else saw coming five years ago. 16. Weak Men, who turned masculinity into a permanent apology tour. These are men who treat assertiveness as a microaggression and testosterone as a hazardous material. They are so terrified of offending a woman that they have evolved into a species of sentient doormats, viewing their own spine as an optional accessory that might upset the HR department. They smile through their own emasculation, nodding along to policies that erase them, and would rather watch their civilization burn than risk a slightly awkward conversation at a dinner party. They didn't just open the gates to the barbarians; they apologized for the lock being too oppressive and offered to carry their luggage. 17. Feminists, who proved equality is real by showing that women can be just as disastrously incompetent as men. They replaced "The Patriarchy" with "Girl-Bossing the economy into a ditch". They doubled the pool of eligible ruin-bringers, which is statistically impressive. 18. The Woke, the morality police who will cancel you for using the wrong pronoun for a hamster but don't know how to change a lightbulb. They are busy deconstructing the colonial implications of a cheese sandwich while the power grid fails and the industrial base crumbles into dust. 19. Darth Vader. He represents the ultimate bureaucratic dream: a faceless, unelected technocrat who can strangle dissent from across the room without ever raising his voice. He tried to federalize the galaxy through terror, proving that a centralized superstate works perfectly right up until a farm boy in a glorified crop duster exploits a regulatory loophole in your thermal exhaust port to blow up the whole economy. 20. Saruman, the patron saint of Heavy Industry and deforestation. He tried to modernize Central Europe with a sensible policy of "machines over trees" and was cancelled by a bunch of angry walking broccoli. 21. Sauron, the original advocate for a unified Europe under one (literal) eye. He was a visionary industrialist who favored heavy surveillance and deregulation of the orc labor market, but his foreign policy regarding Gondor was a bit aggressive for the UN Security Council. 22. Satan, who is actually in therapy for impostor syndrome. He looked at European politics and realized he simply couldn't compete with this level of self-destructive creativity.